In one of the first missions to orbit the moon, Apollo10 astronauts encountered a deep smelling mystery.
Six days into the mission, while doing a report the commander of the space module Tom Stafford was suddenly startled by a new development.
“Where did that come from?”, he was heard asking.
Unfortunately this is no alien story. He had encountered something much worse, a free floating shit with no strings attached.
“Oh — who did it?”
“Who did what?” inquired command module pilot John Young.
A moment later, for listeners at ground control, the mystery was resolved.
“Give me a napkin quick,” commanded Stafford. “There’s a turd floating through the air.”
It is hard to connect space voyage and floating turds, but back then the best they could do was tape a plastic bag to the buttocks to capture feces. Although 9 minutes later another piece of turd appeared, no one from the three astronauts owned up to it. This was the conversation that followed as heard from down earth.
05 13 29 55 CMP — They told us that — Here’s another goddamn turd. What’s the matter with you guys. Here give me a —
05 13 29 57 IMP – Hell, babe, if it was me, I sure would know I was shitting on the floor.
05 13 29 59 CDR – I don’t think it’s one of mine. Mine was a little more sticky than that.
(Laughter) I don’t know whose that is. I can not claim it nor disclaim it (laughter).
Some 50 years later and there are thousands of people preparing to do the same voyage to the moon, digital moon. You’d think that by now we would have solved the problem of floating shit, but you’d be wrong.
You have them everywhere, free-falling turds, aggressive turds, floating turds, convincing turds from all kinds and colors. What is even more reminiscent of the past is that no one claims them.
So someone has to do some testing, and tell what is shit, who’s shit is it, and how to flush them away safely. This is not anymore some tiny space module only for three, but a huge space craft for hundreds of thousands. If everyone shits around irresponsibly the end result is going to be a very shitty moon landing.
While the Apollo 10 shit mystery of 1969 still haunts Nasa, our team is hell bent on solving the crypto shit mysteries of the 2020-ties leaving no haunted halls behind.
Hunter S. Shitson
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